hi, I'm Mai
please, deny me of my painWhat do you do, when you try to tell people of your pain, of your thoughts, of your feelings...what do you do when they don't understand? The worst part is that they really want to help, but they can't. I can see by their facial expressions, by their body language - they just don't get it. They want to try, but they are failing. Their words don't get to me. They think they're helping, but they're not. I'm sorry.
The worst ones are those who think that I'm in no need of help. Haha. They see nothing wrong with me. Is it because I'm always laughing? And because I am constantly noisy? You're wrong. I try to stay away from people like that. You can't help me. You can't help me at all. You don't even know anything about me, but you think you do. Those are the ones that hurt me even more, not because they can't help me, but because they think I don't need any help, and they try to convince me that I'm fine. You need some applause. You are brilliant. You know me so well. I need to hug you.
Just because it's not apparent, doesn't mean it isn't there. I have been battling with this for all my life. Tried to talk to people about it, but they either just brush it off like I'm being overly dramatic, or they try to help and then stop because I'm not worth their help.
I'm just waiting for it all to end. I wish I had more guts to end it, but I don't. So here I wait.
Please take me soon.
Yep, this is me at 4 in the morning.
And I am proud to say that I think I've finally accepted how (weird) I look...and I'm completely fine with that.
Now I'm gonna start working on accepting how I am on the inside, which is going to take even more time but I guess that's a battle everyone has to deal with, right? :)
(more 4am selfies)
minedon't kiss my lips
just kiss my nose
as I look down
at your big toes
and wonder why
I'm such a lucky girl
I get tired
but you don't bore me
not a bit
your laugh - it is
the best sound in the world
and when you're not looking, up he creepsWhen I looked into the mirror at myself today (now as I type this I'm laughing at how bizarre I must have looked) I just wished that all we could do in life is to spend time with our loved ones because life is so fleeting and because time moves so quickly and because people learn to appreciate things a little bit too late, regret will never decease. I, being someone who spends her nights reflecting on things I should have said and done and things I shouldn't have said and done, will forever attempt to avoid regret but to no avail, because I am a measly human being and measly human beings make mistakes.
I'm lying in bed now at a hotel and as per usual my whole family is snoring. I usually prefer to sleep in my dorm room because of this... How can I bear to let my family leave me when I know that once they're gone I can't get annoyed by their constant loud snoring anymore? Now what else can I do but to stay up all night and listen to the only audible evidence that proves that they're very much alive beside me?
"Maisarah why are you always so emotional on your blog all I see are sad posts and poems nowadays please post happy stuff next time"
Happy people are boring...and don't exist.
distance is a bitchI can feel
bit by bit
day by day
as it feeds
to whom it may concern
dear youdear you,
I see you in ways
that you don't.
what may be
a fault to others
or even to you,
I see it as an attribute.
that I have come
that I have learnt
that will remind me
that there is,
and will only be,
one of you.
just friendsI know that I don't own you,
and perhaps I never will,
so my anger when you're with her,
I have no right to feel.
I know that you don't owe me,
and I shouldn't ask for more;
I shouldn't feel so let down,
all the times when you don't call.
what I feel - I shouldn't show you,
so when you're around I won't;
I know I've no right to feel it -
but it doesn't mean I don't.
poetweets part 1Yes, I am that lame.
I have converged two words that are completely fine on their own and created my very own pathetic term "poetweets" which basically means "poems that I tweet". Yeah. That's that. Moving on.
So here are the poetweets for the past month or so in chronological order:
the sounds outside my window?
...that's nature snoring.
all dressed in black,
I'm always dressed in morbid.
you quietly call out...
you cry out the loudest...
they can't hear.
fumbling with words
is all I am capable of
in your presence.
how you affect me so.
with every smile,
with every word,
the day you leave...
the heart dreads.
expectation invites disappointment,
don't you know?
they're old friends.
with every creak,
the heart leaps,
the head pops up...
right at the edge...
a little bit more
until you lose me.
Have been writing quite a bit of "poems" recently, especially really short ones on Twitter. More like summarised thoughts I guess. But the word "poems" has a nicer ring to it.
Just take note that not all poems I publish on my blog are mine. Those that end with my name are mine. I don't even know why I'm explaining all this, really... I guess I'm scared people who read my blog think I'm good at writing poems but the poems they actually like are written by proper poets.
So yeah. Goodnight.
you sowed the seeds
into my heart
give it a little attention,
give it a little time,
this is all on you.
symptom recitalI do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
my world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
for what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
my quondam dreams are shot to hell.
my soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.
alone with everybodythe flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
and nobody finds the
crawling in and out
the bone and the
for more than
there's no chance
we are all trapped
by a singular
nobody ever finds
the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill
final blinkit's that time of the night -
when the heart finds itself in the throat
and the chest gets tighter,
and everything else is just a blur
and as I lay in bed, still as the night
I wished to be the first to leave
for my heart can't bear the thought
of anyone else leaving before I did
new chapterOnce the security guard handed me my university student pass the past Monday, the first thing I did was to take a long hard look at my forever-bloated face (and mentally reprimand myself for being so unfortunate-looking). The next, of course, was to let the fact that I am officially a university student to sink in slowly into my underdeveloped brain because just a few months ago, like a child, I was bawling my eyes out over all the rejections I had received from all of the three universities I had applied to.
It's really surreal... But I'm really so thankful. I still keep my university rejection letters to serve as a reminder to myself that in life (CLICHE ALERT Y'ALL) there will always be times where I will stumble but what really matters is to pick myself up and push harder.
Every morning when I switch on my laptop I will see these quotes:
These quotes have helped me move on from the bitterness that rejection has deeply planted in me, really. I've always believed that quotes were lame and useless and extremely pathetic, but at the lowest point in my life when I found that nothing or no one else was able to make me feel better, quotes I stumble across on the internet lifted my spirits for a bit.
InsyaAllah I will get better grades this time and make my parents proud of me again. I'm totally looking forward to the familiar long study nights and no sleep! I just hope I don't get chased by dogs and/or ducks here at campus. IT'S FUCKING FRIGHTENING I SWEAR
from Sham's blog -"When you see a female dressed in a manner that is unacceptable Islamically, do not for a moment think that she is lower than you spiritually. If you do that, you are lower than her. Believe me, that is the teaching of your religion. She might have a link with her Creator that you do not know about. She might have a heart that is tons better than yours. She might have one weakness that is outward, and you have 50 weaknesses that are hidden."
-Mufti Ismail Menk
I need to remind this to myself every single day.
no help for thatthere is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and even during the
we will know it
we will know it
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
we will wait
you make me laughyou make me laugh
your sense of humour
it makes me laugh
and makes me wonder
are looks everything?
because everyone's laughing
but there is nothing
I see nothing
I hear nothing
I feel nothing
you are bare
you make me laugh
that is allthe encounters were fleeting
so, to gratify the heart
they repeat in my head
'til the dizziness sets in
and as the desolation begins
..............why am I so weak?
star-gazingas I looked at the night sky -
a midnight satin blue
specked with shimmering glitter -
I marvel at how beautiful
a simple thing may be
and I instantly thought of
so blessedIt's so good to let your feelings out and not get judged at all.
I'm really so blessed to have you as a friend.
what I know about faithI saw you
pitiful and dirty,
sorrowful and shamed
I had imagined a kind, ugly, intuitive man looking up and saying “Ah!” in an encouraging way, as if he could see something I couldn’t, and then I would find words to tell him how I was so scared, as if I were being stuffed further and further into a black, airless sack with no way out.
Then he would lean back in his chair and match the tips of his fingers together in a little steeple and tell me why I couldn’t sleep and why I couldn’t read and why I couldn’t eat and why everything people did seemed so silly, because they only died in the end.
And then, I thought, he would help me, step by step, to be myself again.
- The Bell Jar
the "M" wordIt's scary, but I'm ready to take the leap.
I have nothing much going on for me anyway, so what's there to worry right?
escapethe best part was
pulling down the
stuffing the doorbell
putting the phone
and going to bed
for 3 or 4
and the next best
5, always them 5Seriously the best weekend I've ever had EVER.
Met The Wanted.
Tom KISSED me.
I HELD Nathan's hand like a creep.
Bumped into Shameera.
Made two new TWFanmily friends - Sham's friend Aishah and Yan Yan.
Went to the best concert EVER.
I haven't cried yet due to TWithdrawals.. It's like I'm so sad but I'm holding it back until something even more miserable takes place.
And I'm pretty sure Tom spread his virus to me when he kissed me (I heard he was sick).. Normal people would get bummed but I was completely ecstatic! HAHA oh God when will I ever get over this fangirlism... As much as I kept saying "I'm too old for this" throughout the past weekend I have a feeling I never will.
The Wanted is seriously the best boyband ever. Really. I've never met celebrities who were as humble, grateful and sincere (granted I've never actually met any other celebs before, but swear to God, they are damn friggin' thankful for their fans) as these boys. Love 'em to death.
quite the procrastinatorWell, hello. It's almost 5 in the morning - how nice of me to blog so very early this wonderful Wednesday. I have not slept a wink and why's that? Because I was too busy procrastinating. Which I still am doing now. I have not completed my 800-word reflection essay for one of my modules, which I can admit is quite a menial task seeing as all I have to do is pen down my thoughts and feelings but noooo I make the simplest thing so very complicated. Why? Because this reflection essay brought out the emotions - which I can proudly confess, have been dormant for some time now - in me and when I get all emotional I have problems articulating my thoughts and feelings. Oh wait. I have that problem all. The. Time. Such is my life.
I hope my teacher appreciates my pathetically-injected humour in this (at this moment 80% completed) reflection essay. I only whip out my humour in schoolwork when I actually feel passionate about something. And speaking about whipping out, earlier this evening I whipped my hair back and forth while my sister was on the phone and managed to get my hair in her mouth. Which many girls may find "gross" but I don't know, I just like that kind of stuff.
Speaking of hair (wow this can go and on and on, I wouldn't be surprised if I end the post touching on the topic of astrophysics), here are 3 statements, one is fake and the other two are true (I love to do this with people it's fun to see their reactions):
1) Once at a party I went to the toilet but I didn't know how to lock the door (what an idiot) so I just closed it and woohoo, my friend's older brother opened it. You can imagine what happened next (no, not of that sort).
2) The first time I stained my school uniform skirt a guy actually approached me about it. I was so effin' embarrassed thank God the guy wasn't cute.
3) Once I choked on my hair. It was so stupid.
Which one's the lie? NUMBER 2 DUH. My life is so weird. But I have learnt to accept that. I cannot avoid weirdness, it just comes to me. Seriously. How can someone even choke on their own hair right? But I lived. *looks to sky* I lived to tell the tale. The tale of the hairy encounter. A hairy tale. Okay I'm stopping now I'm getting really sleepy lol BYE INTERNET.
And yyeeaaahhh the room makeover? Barely 10% done. Hahahehehohoho I am never getting married.
on my silky soy milk river I will row my boat foreverThese days I have come to realise that my intolerance for lactose is getting slightly worse.
But THANK GOD for soy milk, because I really love milk (and occasionally the milk moustaches it comes with) and with soy milk, I can actually satisfy my calcium thirst without unleashing a smelly kind of ugly into this world.
I prefer the natural or organic soy milk though.. I was drinking a lot of Silk natural soy milk before this but Mum says it's too pricy and apparently there's some massive hoo-ha about the production bladibla so I'm not drinking that anymore. At the moment I'm drinking Sobe organic soy milk which is as good as Silk and I can bet cheaper too. I'm so happy right now this is pure bliss for me oh how I love enjoying liquids hehehe.
kickedI am never going to use my iPod Touch while I eat EVER AGAIN.
I dropped my iPod Touch in my soup on Monday and the sound stopped working and I of course panicked like a headless chicken. I Googled for solutions, and one of the popular ones was to bury the device in uncooked rice, which I did for like a day plus.
This morning I took it out, prayed really hard and switched it on. But the sound only worked if I plugged in my headphones, so what did I do? Google for solutions again, of course.
I did so many weird things but to no avail. Finally, while I was watching the iCarly episode with One Direction in it, I decided to unlock my iPod Touch and VOILA IT WORKED. AND I WAS SO FRIGGIN' HAPPY I VOWED NEVER TO EAT AND PLAY AT THE SAME TIME EVER AGAIN.
I always have this strong belief that no one will ever kick their bad habits until they get stuck into a situation because of any of their particular habits, and BOY, DID I LEARN MY LESSON.
Thank you God. THANK YOU I AM FOREVER SO GRATEFUL TO YOU AND TO GOOGLE.
My posts are lacking substance. That's because my life has been less than average or maybe it's time I admit I'm not very creative and witty anymore.
What a tragedy, Mai, what a tragedy.
remains as one of my favourite songs ever
I'm in space
or am I?
but my teeth screams, no!
fear hugs me
while I'm getting cold
this is where I belong
but it is not
a heart's home is
but not forever..
..how I wish that was so, however
going, going, goneI AM ALMOST NORMAL
Apologies to anyone who find the inside of the (or particularly, my) mouth a revolting sight for the human eye.
baby baby baby
(My teeth are discoloured real bad so naturally, I am forced to use an application on my iPod Touch that allows effects to mask this flaw of mine.)
Well anyway, tomorrow, after 4PM or so, IT. WILL. BE. GONE. That little baby tooth (residing behind the scary one that is placed too high up on my gum) will be gone, people. I am very happy about this because it has been there since I could remember...probably primary school.
YAY I'M GONNA BE A STEP CLOSER TO BEING A NORMAL PERSON..............
no longer 18This is my last year of teenagehood but
waveringa voice is forming
the heart is warming
the soul to shine
light starts to fade
with all regret
where it feels safe
what could have been
what is truly within
oh, you fickle pickle
Yes yes, I am undoubtedly aware of my flighty ways.
However, I have a feeling, that this (blog) is going to last.
Well, until I die, of course.