hi, I'm Mai
am I to blame?I'm 22 this year.
And I'm still single.
"Don't worry, you're still young."
"You don't need a man to be happy."
"You'll meet someone soon."
"Relationships are painful anyway. You're lucky you're single."
"There's someone for everyone."
"You need to lose more weight."
"You need to keep your opinions to yourself."
"God is saving you for someone amazing."
"You'll marry the first guy you meet."
Thank you to everyone who has said all those things above.
I've heard them all at least 5 times.
I'm sorry if this sounds extremely insensitive of me. Hey, there are even more important issues out there in the world, someone would tell me. Okay. So I'm not important, right?
I don't like being fucking whiny or anything. I really don't. I'm just afraid. Most of the people I tell this to don't get shit because they are attached or have been attached before.
It's scary to be single. I am enjoying singlehood though, don't get me wrong. But I do want a family soon. And to have a family I supposedly have to have a partner. And I don't have that.
I don't have time either. I'm already 22. I haven't met anyone since my "dateable" age. This terrifies me. What am I lacking? What are guys looking for that I don't have?
So I scour Instagram when I'm bored and I stumble upon so many girls' photos and I start to envy them. Their beauty, their talents, their relationships with their other halves... So I have to be as slim as them, then? Cut my hair this way? Wear these clothes?
I lost a lot of weight unhealthily the past year due to depression. So yeah. It's nice that people have been complimenting me on how much "slimmer" and how much "prettier" I've become... But it's hard too. I didn't lose the weight out of effort, it was because of lack of effort. I was starving myself for weeks, locked up in my room and I missed a lot of lectures. I'm sorry if I've been reacting weirdly if you've noticed my weight loss. It's hard to be happy with how I look now because of so many things. I've actually put back on some weight ever since I got back to Singapore, and some people have pointed that out too. It's funny because when I'm happy, I eat. And I'm not one for exercise. So there's a tendency to gain weight. But I'm happy. Happier. Was.
I tried to meet guys, I tried. And then when guys finally seem interested, it's not because they're interested in me. They're just interested in my company. I am the kind of girl guys prefer being good friends with. I'm funny and I'm silly and I have a lot of love to give. I can give you good advice because I actually give a shit about you. I will stay up with you late into the night even though I'm sleepy as hell because I want to accompany you. I'm always the one who says "goodnight" last because of this. I tell you unnecessary mundane things about my day because I wish you were here with me instead. I get too attached easily. And because I know this, I push people away easily too.
I'm already 22 and I'm scared. Of loving someone else. And not being loved back, because I've experienced it all the time. I understand, I can't expect every person I love to feel the same way about me. But why, though? Am I not worthy enough? What am I lacking? What did I do wrong?
I wish I knew.
books to getThis Is How We Find Each Other - Fortesa Latifi
Mouthful of Forevers - Clementine von Radics
Milk and Honey - Rupi Kaur
I stopped going to therapyI stopped going to therapy
because I knew my therapist was right
and I wanted to keep being wrong.
I wanted to keep my bad habits
like charms on a bracelet.
I did not want to be brave.
I think I like my brain best
in a bar fight with my heart.
I think I like myself a little broken.
I'm ok if that makes me less loved.
I like poetry better than therapy anyway.
the poems never judge me
for healing wrong.
clementine von radics
how I (might) display affection/signs of comfort:
I got bored and started listing this out because I enjoy talking about myself. Who doesn't? Also, I'll probably update this list a lot.
new projectThings To Be Happy About.
My latest attempt at working towards being happier.
Good on me, I guess.
itchyI post then I delete.
I can't help it.
I hate how I'm like. How I type. How I sing. How I speak. How I cry. How I get attached to people easily only to be hurt by them one way or another sooner or later.
I always tell myself that it's better to be alone. I was supposed to be alone this year. I was. It was starting out great. And then.
There's this thing inside of me now. And I can't get it out. It's stuck there, trapped there, like how I am in this place.
I wish I could go away.
"I'm in lesbians with you."I know it may not seem like it, but I'd like to think of myself as a closet romantic. I guess it's kind of weird to be a self-proclaimed romantic when I've never even held a guy's hand before, but well, I know I'm one okay. Don't even bother arguing with me on this.
It's kind of stupid but I've come up with a date list and yeah it's really stupid (I'll be saying this again and again throughout the whole post because I'll admit, I'm slightly embarrassed) but I don't know, stupid's cute in a relationship, right? Right? *cricket noise*
In no particular order:
1) IKEA date
2) stargazing date
3) line dancing with old people date
4) arcade date
5) charity work date
6) picnic date
7) "be someone else" date where we'd take on a different persona and talk to strangers that way
These date ideas might sound pretty stupid to single people. I'm pretty sure (67%) that couples would probably be like "awwwww we do that" or I don't know. Shit like that. I don't know, what do couples say while in a relationship anyway? *shrugs the perpetual single*
I'm also a sucker for wedding proposals. I'd be that annoying bitch that bawls her eyes out at wedding proposal videos on YouTube. Seriously. I've watched enough proposal videos to know that I'd like a simple proposal with a simple ring. None of that expensive shit. And no crowds, not in public. Because well, I can say for sure that I do not want other people to watch me cry (this might involve a lot of different liquids coming out of things on my face, mind you, which is extremely gross). And I've always envisioned myself to have a wedding in a willow tree-infested area, with mini hanging lanterns and fairy lights and wooden chairs. And a grecian gown with a gold head chain thing. And a really nice classy simple cake.
And then I remember one important detail: missing partner. And well, wedding savings. So yeah. Oh well, a girl can dream.
whyIt's nice to have someone to like. Until shit happens.
it's easier to laugh;
it's easier to talk non-stop
because if you're quiet
people will ask.
it's easier to pretend
you're having fun
it's easier to act high;
because if you're sad
even though people ask
no one really wants to know why.
minedon't kiss my lips
just kiss my nose
as I look down
at your big toes
and wonder why
I'm such a lucky girl
I get tired
but you don't bore me
not a bit
your laugh - it is
the best sound in the world
and when you're not looking, up he creepsWhen I looked into the mirror at myself today (now as I type this I'm laughing at how bizarre I must have looked) I just wished that all we could do in life is to spend time with our loved ones because life is so fleeting and because time moves so quickly and because people learn to appreciate things a little bit too late, regret will never decease. I, being someone who spends her nights reflecting on things I should have said and done and things I shouldn't have said and done, will forever attempt to avoid regret but to no avail, because I am a measly human being and measly human beings make mistakes.
I'm lying in bed now at a hotel and as per usual my whole family is snoring. I usually prefer to sleep in my dorm room because of this... How can I bear to let my family leave me when I know that once they're gone I can't get annoyed by their constant loud snoring anymore? Now what else can I do but to stay up all night and listen to the only audible evidence that proves that they're very much alive beside me?
"Maisarah why are you always so emotional on your blog all I see are sad posts and poems nowadays please post happy stuff next time"
Happy people are boring...and don't exist.
distance is a bitchI can feel
bit by bit
day by day
as it feeds
dear youdear you,
I see you in ways
that you don't.
what may be
a fault to others
or even to you,
I see it as an attribute.
that I have come
that I have learnt
that will remind me
that there is,
and will only be,
one of you.
just friendsI know that I don't own you,
and perhaps I never will,
so my anger when you're with her,
I have no right to feel.
I know that you don't owe me,
and I shouldn't ask for more;
I shouldn't feel so let down,
all the times when you don't call.
what I feel - I shouldn't show you,
so when you're around I won't;
I know I've no right to feel it -
but it doesn't mean I don't.
you sowed the seeds
into my heart
give it a little attention,
give it a little time,
this is all on you.
symptom recitalI do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
my world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
for what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
my quondam dreams are shot to hell.
my soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.
alone with everybodythe flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
and nobody finds the
crawling in and out
the bone and the
for more than
there's no chance
we are all trapped
by a singular
nobody ever finds
the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill
final blink (work in progress)it's that time of the night -
when the heart finds itself in the throat
and the chest gets tighter,
and everything else is just a blur
and as I lay in bed, still as the night
I wished to be the first to leave
for my heart can't bear the thought
of anyone else leaving before I did
new chapterOnce the security guard handed me my university student pass the past Monday, the first thing I did was to take a long hard look at my forever-bloated face (and mentally reprimand myself for being so unfortunate-looking). The next, of course, was to let the fact that I am officially a university student to sink in slowly into my underdeveloped brain because just a few months ago, like a child, I was bawling my eyes out over all the rejections I had received from all of the three universities I had applied to.
It's really surreal... But I'm really so thankful. I still keep my university rejection letters to serve as a reminder to myself that in life (CLICHE ALERT Y'ALL) there will always be times where I will stumble but what really matters is to pick myself up and push harder.
Every morning when I switch on my laptop I will see these quotes:
These quotes have helped me move on from the bitterness that rejection has deeply planted in me, really. I've always believed that quotes were lame and useless and extremely pathetic, but at the lowest point in my life when I found that nothing or no one else was able to make me feel better, quotes I stumble across on the internet lifted my spirits for a bit.
InsyaAllah I will get better grades this time and make my parents proud of me again. I'm totally looking forward to the familiar long study nights and no sleep! I just hope I don't get chased by dogs and/or ducks here at campus. IT'S FUCKING FRIGHTENING I SWEAR
from Sham's blog -"When you see a female dressed in a manner that is unacceptable Islamically, do not for a moment think that she is lower than you spiritually. If you do that, you are lower than her. Believe me, that is the teaching of your religion. She might have a link with her Creator that you do not know about. She might have a heart that is tons better than yours. She might have one weakness that is outward, and you have 50 weaknesses that are hidden."
-Mufti Ismail Menk
I need to remind this to myself every single day.
no help for thatthere is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and even during the
we will know it
we will know it
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
we will wait
newsflash: you can't always get what you wantIt's obvious my mum never wanted me as a daughter. All she wants is a slim, beautiful, talented, smart girl who is obedient and filial.
Well, I'm sorry I'm not her. I truly am. I'm pretty sure I'm disappointed in myself much, much more than you will ever be, though. So please find solace in that. Thanks.
you make me laughyou make me laugh
your sense of humour
it makes me laugh
and makes me wonder
are looks everything?
because everyone's laughing
but there is nothing
I see nothing
I hear nothing
I feel nothing
you are bare
you make me laugh
that is allthe encounters were fleeting
so, to gratify the heart
they repeat in my head
'til the dizziness sets in
and as the desolation begins
..............why am I so weak?
star-gazingas I looked at the night sky -
a midnight satin blue
specked with shimmering glitter -
I marvel at how beautiful
a simple thing may be
and I instantly thought of
so blessedIt's so good to let your feelings out and not get judged at all.
I'm really so blessed to have you as a friend.
what I know about faithI saw you
pitiful and dirty,
sorrowful and shamed
the bell jarI had imagined a kind, ugly, intuitive man looking up and saying “Ah!” in an encouraging way, as if he could see something I couldn’t, and then I would find words to tell him how I was so scared, as if I were being stuffed further and further into a black, airless sack with no way out.
Then he would lean back in his chair and match the tips of his fingers together in a little steeple and tell me why I couldn’t sleep and why I couldn’t read and why I couldn’t eat and why everything people did seemed so silly, because they only died in the end.
And then, I thought, he would help me, step by step, to be myself again.
the "M" wordIt's scary, but I'm ready to take the leap.
I have nothing much going on for me anyway, so what's there to worry right?
escapethe best part was
pulling down the
stuffing the doorbell
putting the phone
and going to bed
for 3 or 4
and the next best
My posts are lacking substance. That's because my life has been less than average or maybe it's time I admit I'm not very creative and witty anymore.
What a tragedy, Mai, what a tragedy.
remains as one of my favourite songs ever
I'm in space
or am I?
but my teeth screams, no!
fear hugs me
while I'm getting cold
this is where I belong
but it is not
a heart's home is
but not forever..
..how I wish that was so, however
no longer 18This is my last year of teenagehood but
waveringa voice is forming
the heart is warming
the soul to shine
light starts to fade
with all regret
where it feels safe
what could have been
what is truly within
oh, you fickle pickle
Yes yes, I am undoubtedly aware of my flighty ways.
However, I have a feeling, that this (blog) is going to last.
Well, until I die, of course.