"Everyone is a bitch until proven otherwise."

hi, I'm Mai
idk about you but I'm gonna be 22
In like less than 2 months.

My goal is to lose 22 kg before my 22nd. I was about 77kg last year. Now I'm around 63kg. So 8kg to go!

I can do this. This is a possible achievement, right?

To a hotter Maisarah! (Okay maybe not hotter since I would probably still be my awkward lame ass self even when I lose all that weight.) To a healthier Maisarah then!

*clink glasses*
postsecret #001

One of the many postsecret.com's entries that made me cry so much once I read it. I've always thought I was the only one who felt this way, I guess I felt that it was wrong to actually admit this because I know that cancer is a terrible thing to wish to have and I actually know people who have lost loved ones to it.

But I can't help it. Having this mental illness is one thing, sharing with others (that I have it) who don't get it is another thing. People are all "just think positive" "put your faith in God" "involve yourself in more stuff" no I don't need that. I just want you to hold me when I'm crying. I just want you to know that I'm going through something and to be patient with me. I just want you to know that I'm actually telling you this in person because I trust you and because you are someone who's important to me. That's all.

Sometimes no advice is the best advice.
itchy
I post then I delete.

I can't help it.

I hate how I'm like. How I type. How I sing. How I speak. How I cry. How I get attached to people easily only to be hurt by them one way or another sooner or later.

I always tell myself that it's better to be alone. I was supposed to be alone this year. I was. It was starting out great. And then.

There's this thing inside of me now. And I can't get it out. It's stuck there, trapped there, like how I am in this place.

I wish I could go away.
why
It's nice to have someone to like. Until shit happens.
it's easier
it's easier to smack on a smile
it's easier to laugh;
it's easier to talk non-stop
because if you're quiet
people will ask.
it's easier to pretend
you're having fun
it's easier to act high;
because if you're sad
even though people ask
no one really wants to know why.



maisarah hamzah
mine
don't kiss my lips
just kiss my nose
as I look down
at your big toes
and wonder why
I'm such a lucky girl

I get tired
of anything
but you don't bore me
not a bit
your laugh - it is
the best sound in the world


maisarah hamzah
and when you're not looking, up he creeps
When I looked into the mirror at myself today (now as I type this I'm laughing at how bizarre I must have looked) I just wished that all we could do in life is to spend time with our loved ones because life is so fleeting and because time moves so quickly and because people learn to appreciate things a little bit too late, regret will never decease. I, being someone who spends her nights reflecting on things I should have said and done and things I shouldn't have said and done, will forever attempt to avoid regret but to no avail, because I am a measly human being and measly human beings make mistakes.

I'm lying in bed now at a hotel and as per usual my whole family is snoring. I usually prefer to sleep in my dorm room because of this... How can I bear to let my family leave me when I know that once they're gone I can't get annoyed by their constant loud snoring anymore? Now what else can I do but to stay up all night and listen to the only audible evidence that proves that they're very much alive beside me? 

"Maisarah why are you always so emotional on your blog all I see are sad posts and poems nowadays please post happy stuff next time"

Happy people are boring...and don't exist.
distance is a bitch
I can feel
my soul
die
bit by bit
day by day
as it feeds
this need
to see
your face
miles
and miles
away



maisarah hamzah
to whom it may concern
dear you
dear you,

I see you in ways
that you don't.

what may be
a fault to others
or even to you,
I see it as an attribute.
an attribute
that I have come
to love,
an attribute
that I have learnt
to accept,
an attribute
that will remind me
that there is,
and will only be,
one of you.



maisarah hamzah


just friends
I know that I don't own you,
and perhaps I never will,
so my anger when you're with her,
I have no right to feel.

I know that you don't owe me,
and I shouldn't ask for more;
I shouldn't feel so let down,
all the times when you don't call.

what I feel - I shouldn't show you,
so when you're around I won't;
I know I've no right to feel it -
but it doesn't mean I don't.



lang leav
nurture
you sowed the seeds
into my heart

give it a little attention,
it grows…
how beautiful,
you exclaim.

give it a little time,
it grows…
a monstrosity
is made.

what
have
you
done?


this is all on you.



maisarah hamzah
symptom recital
I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
my world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
for what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
my quondam dreams are shot to hell.
my soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.



dorothy parker
alone with everybody
the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.



charles bukowski
final blink
it's that time of the night -
when the heart finds itself in the throat
and the chest gets tighter,
and everything else is just a blur

and as I lay in bed, still as the night
I wished to be the first to leave
for my heart can't bear the thought
of anyone else leaving before I did



maisarah hamzah
new chapter
Once the security guard handed me my university student pass the past Monday, the first thing I did was to take a long hard look at my forever-bloated face (and mentally reprimand myself for being so unfortunate-looking). The next, of course, was to let the fact that I am officially a university student to sink in slowly into my underdeveloped brain because just a few months ago, like a child, I was bawling my eyes out over all the rejections I had received from all of the three universities I had applied to.

It's really surreal... But I'm really so thankful. I still keep my university rejection letters to serve as a reminder to myself that in life (CLICHE ALERT Y'ALL) there will always be times where I will stumble but what really matters is to pick myself up and push harder.

Every morning when I switch on my laptop I will see these quotes:


These quotes have helped me move on from the bitterness that rejection has deeply planted in me, really. I've always believed that quotes were lame and useless and extremely pathetic, but at the lowest point in my life when I found that nothing or no one else was able to make me feel better, quotes I stumble across on the internet lifted my spirits for a bit.

InsyaAllah I will get better grades this time and make my parents proud of me again. I'm totally looking forward to the familiar long study nights and no sleep! I just hope I don't get chased by dogs and/or ducks here at campus. IT'S FUCKING FRIGHTENING I SWEAR
from Sham's blog -
"When you see a female dressed in a manner that is unacceptable Islamically, do not for a moment think that she is lower than you spiritually. If you do that, you are lower than her. Believe me, that is the teaching of your religion. She might have a link with her Creator that you do not know about. She might have a heart that is tons better than yours. She might have one weakness that is outward, and you have 50 weaknesses that are hidden."

-Mufti Ismail Menk

I need to remind this to myself every single day.
no help for that
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

and

we will wait

in that
space.



charles bukowski
you make me laugh
you make me laugh
your sense of humour
it makes me laugh
and makes me wonder
are looks everything?
because everyone's laughing
but there is nothing
nothing there
anywhere
I see nothing
I hear nothing
I feel nothing
you are bare
you make me laugh



maisarah hamzah
that is all
the encounters were fleeting
so, to gratify the heart
they repeat in my head
'til the dizziness sets in
and as the desolation begins
I wonder..............





..............why am I so weak?



maisarah hamzah
star-gazing
as I looked at the night sky -
a midnight satin blue
specked with shimmering glitter -
I marvel at how beautiful
a simple thing may be
and I instantly thought of
You.



maisarah hamzah
so blessed
It's so good to let your feelings out and not get judged at all.




I'm really so blessed to have you as a friend.
what I know about faith
I saw you
at your
lowest point;
your miserable,
wallowing worst,
pitiful and dirty,
sorrowful and shamed

and I
still
love(d)
you



unknown
the bell jar
I had imagined a kind, ugly, intuitive man looking up and saying “Ah!” in an encouraging way, as if he could see something I couldn’t, and then I would find words to tell him how I was so scared, as if I were being stuffed further and further into a black, airless sack with no way out.

Then he would lean back in his chair and match the tips of his fingers together in a little steeple and tell me why I couldn’t sleep and why I couldn’t read and why I couldn’t eat and why everything people did seemed so silly, because they only died in the end.

And then, I thought, he would help me, step by step, to be myself again.



sylvia plath
the "M" word
It's scary, but I'm ready to take the leap.

I have nothing much going on for me anyway, so what's there to worry right?

Labels: ,

escape
the best part was
pulling down the
shades
stuffing the doorbell
with rags
putting the phone
in the
refrigerator
and going to bed
for 3 or 4
days.

and the next best
part
was
nobody ever
missed
me.



charles bukowski
5, always them 5
Seriously the best weekend I've ever had EVER.


Met The Wanted.

Tom KISSED me.

I HELD Nathan's hand like a creep.

Bumped into Shameera.

Made two new TWFanmily friends - Sham's friend Aishah and Yan Yan.

Went to the best concert EVER.


I haven't cried yet due to TWithdrawals.. It's like I'm so sad but I'm holding it back until something even more miserable takes place.

And I'm pretty sure Tom spread his virus to me when he kissed me (I heard he was sick).. Normal people would get bummed but I was completely ecstatic! HAHA oh God when will I ever get over this fangirlism... As much as I kept saying "I'm too old for this" throughout the past weekend I have a feeling I never will.

The Wanted is seriously the best boyband ever. Really. I've never met celebrities who were as humble, grateful and sincere (granted I've never actually met any other celebs before, but swear to God, they are damn friggin' thankful for their fans) as these boys. Love 'em to death.


quite the procrastinator
Well, hello. It's almost 5 in the morning -  how nice of me to blog so very early this wonderful Wednesday. I have not slept a wink and why's that? Because I was too busy procrastinating. Which I still am doing now. I have not completed my 800-word reflection essay for one of my modules, which I can admit is quite a menial task seeing as all I have to do is pen down my thoughts and feelings but noooo I make the simplest thing so very complicated. Why? Because this reflection essay brought out the emotions - which I can proudly confess, have been dormant for some time now - in me and when I get all emotional I have problems articulating my thoughts and feelings. Oh wait. I have that problem all. The. Time. Such is my life.

I hope my teacher appreciates my pathetically-injected humour in this (at this moment 80% completed) reflection essay. I only whip out my humour in schoolwork when I actually feel passionate about something. And speaking about whipping out, earlier this evening I whipped my hair back and forth while my sister was on the phone and managed to get my hair in her mouth. Which many girls may find "gross" but I don't know, I just like that kind of stuff.

Speaking of hair (wow this can go and on and on, I wouldn't be surprised if I end the post touching on the topic of astrophysics), here are 3 statements, one is fake and the other two are true (I love to do this with people it's fun to see their reactions):

1) Once at a party I went to the toilet but I didn't know how to lock the door (what an idiot) so I just closed it and woohoo, my friend's older brother opened it. You can imagine what happened next (no, not of that sort).

2) The first time I stained my school uniform skirt a guy actually approached me about it. I was so effin' embarrassed thank God the guy wasn't cute.

3) Once I choked on my hair. It was so stupid.

Which one's the lie? NUMBER 2 DUH. My life is so weird. But I have learnt to accept that. I cannot avoid weirdness, it just comes to me. Seriously. How can someone even choke on their own hair right? But I lived. *looks to sky* I lived to tell the tale. The tale of the hairy encounter. A hairy tale. Okay I'm stopping now I'm getting really sleepy lol BYE INTERNET.

And yyeeaaahhh the room makeover? Barely 10% done. Hahahehehohoho I am never getting married.
on my silky soy milk river I will row my boat forever
These days I have come to realise that my intolerance for lactose is getting slightly worse.

But THANK GOD for soy milk, because I really love milk (and occasionally the milk moustaches it comes with) and with soy milk, I can actually satisfy my calcium thirst without unleashing a smelly kind of ugly into this world.

I prefer the natural or organic soy milk though.. I was drinking a lot of Silk natural soy milk before this but Mum says it's too pricy and apparently there's some massive hoo-ha about the production bladibla so I'm not drinking that anymore. At the moment I'm drinking Sobe organic soy milk which is as good as Silk and I can bet cheaper too. I'm so happy right now this is pure bliss for me oh how I love enjoying liquids hehehe.

Cheeky giggle puff my cheeks alright beetches I'M OUT


(that's my hehehe-I'm-high-on-soy-milk and I-couldn't-be-bothered-to-flip-this-photo-so-SUE-ME face)
kicked
I am never going to use my iPod Touch while I eat EVER AGAIN.

I dropped my iPod Touch in my soup on Monday and the sound stopped working and I of course panicked like a headless chicken. I Googled for solutions, and one of the popular ones was to bury the device in uncooked rice, which I did for like a day plus.

This morning I took it out, prayed really hard and switched it on. But the sound only worked if I plugged in my headphones, so what did I do? Google for solutions again, of course.

I did so many weird things but to no avail. Finally, while I was watching the iCarly episode with One Direction in it, I decided to unlock my iPod Touch and VOILA IT WORKED. AND I WAS SO FRIGGIN' HAPPY I VOWED NEVER TO EAT AND PLAY AT THE SAME TIME EVER AGAIN.

I always have this strong belief that no one will ever kick their bad habits until they get stuck into a situation because of any of their particular habits, and BOY, DID I LEARN MY LESSON.

Thank you God. THANK YOU I AM FOREVER SO GRATEFUL TO YOU AND TO GOOGLE.
My posts are lacking substance. That's because my life has been less than average or maybe it's time I admit I'm not very creative and witty anymore.





What a tragedy, Mai, what a tragedy.
remains as one of my favourite songs ever

submerged
submerged..
I'm floating
I'm suspended
I'm in space
or am I?
I smile
but my teeth screams, no!
fear hugs me
while I'm getting cold
this is where I belong
but it is not
a heart's home is
variable
submerged..
but not forever..
..how I wish that was so, however



maisarah hamzah
going, going, gone
I AM ALMOST NORMAL



Apologies to anyone who find the inside of the (or particularly, my) mouth a revolting sight for the human eye.
baby baby baby
Hello. I don't know if anyone knows the fact that I'm already 19 years old but I still have a milk/baby tooth. YES, I do.. Here's proof:


(My teeth are discoloured real bad so naturally, I am forced to use an application on my iPod Touch that allows effects to mask this flaw of mine.)

Well anyway, tomorrow, after 4PM or so, IT. WILL. BE. GONE. That little baby tooth (residing behind the scary one that is placed too high up on my gum) will be gone, people. I am very happy about this because it has been there since I could remember...probably primary school.

YAY I'M GONNA BE A STEP CLOSER TO BEING A NORMAL PERSON..............
no longer 18
This is my last year of teenagehood but

I'm

Never

Gonna

Grow

Up
wavering
a voice is forming
the heart is warming
anticipating
the soul to shine
but
light starts to fade
with all regret
it hides
where it feels safe
never knowing
what could have been
never showing
what is truly within
potential
is
minimal



maisarah hamzah
oh, you fickle pickle

Yes yes, I am undoubtedly aware of my flighty ways.


However, I have a feeling, that this (blog) is going to last.






Well, until I die, of course.
test post
Hello.
blogskin credit